Religious practices run the gambit of weird: eating bits of your god and drinking his blood, cutting the heads off chickens, wearing hair shits, sitting on the top of a pole and a plethora of other strange rites. But there is one ritual that rules over all the others, the most perverse of all, the baby penis suckers. Yes, sucking baby penises is a religious rite; orthodox Jews in New York are battling the New York Health department, which is trying to curtail the practice of rabbis sucking the foreskin off a baby’s penis after circumcision because apparently an adult mouth can contain pathogens, who would have thought that?
What could be the purpose of this strange rite? What possible use could it have? Could it answer the age old question “does baby penis taste like chicken?” It is difficult to imagine what religious purpose this rite serves but even harder to imagine is how it evolved. Who created this practice? Was it a paedophile rabbi baby-penis-sucker who wanted to add a tasty treat to his favourite pastime? It is so weird that I can’t imagine how it came about or why it is perpetuated in the 15th 21st century.
Rabbis are joining forces to fight for their right to suck baby penises. Soon they may be organized into a lobby group. They might fight under the banner of the North American Man Baby-Sucking Love Association. Yes, NAMBSLA may soon be a stalwart of the fight for religious rights. I can imagine it now, bearded rabbis marching down the street under the banner “Onward Orthodox Baby Penis Suckers”
We need a change in the vernacular; calling someone a “mother f#&%er” should be replaced with the nastier “you suck baby c&%k”.